So as much as I love reading the blogs that are all happy-cheery-nothing ever goes wrong type of blogs, I also appreciate a little honesty when it comes to life. Things aren't always perfect. And as much as being a mother has, and always will be, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me- sometimes things just aren't easy. I had my first claustrophobic or trapped feeling the other day. It pains me to even say that, but I think most of us go through something similar. I hope we all do, anyway.
For whatever reason, things, feelings and emotions in general seem to creep up to me at nighttime. It's like, finally when I'm ready for bed and I'm warm and cozy under the covers, all I can do is think. Why I don't reflect on the great things that happen in the day beats me... but I'll just lay there thinking of how I've 'lost myself' and my 'spontaneity is gone'. Then the 'I'm a terrible person' talk starts. The point is- having a baby takes up the majority of your time. You have to learn to find new balance. 50% of my week is spent bouncing, singing, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, fishing out turds in the bathtub, having someone suck on my boob, dishing out kisses, biting cheeks, smelling freshly-shampooed hair and cuddling up to the greatest little girl in the world. The other 50% is spent working. There really is no in between.
The other day I thought, "Gee... what ever happened to doing things outside this summer?" (It also doesn't help that summer is practically over)... and thus began the thoughts of how I felt stuck. I wanted to be able to go take a walk outside, spend time listening to music or going to fests, getting the chance to hoop and learn new tricks or work on some new paintings and sketches. But then, I realized it's okay to feel like this, especially when I'm only three months in to figuring out this whole mother-baby-family stuff. I am by NO MEANS a pro yet. I have a long way to go. But the point that maybe I failed to understand these past three months is, that joy and happiness come in different forms. All the missed opportunities I couldn't spend outside, I was inside making new memories, seeing smiles for the very first time and sleeping-in with a tiny person snuggling close to me. The times I couldn't listen to live music at a festival I spent making up new songs to sing to my daughter. Hearing her very first laughs. Things are just different. I have to adjust. I love every moment I spend with my daughter, I only wish it were more.
Someday we'll have a house in a neighborhood that is safe to walk around in. And to make sure that happens, that alone is the reason I'm still working.
To make sure we have that house.
The one where we'll make even more memories.
Everything I do, I do for you little girl.