Monday, August 08, 2011

CRAP! I CAVED- AND OTHER STORIES.


I'm sorry, I really am... I just can't not write anything for a whole MONTH!  That's craziness.  And also kinda boring.  So what I'm trying to say is, my "August Break Month" is now the "August Break Week".  And it's over.  I understand the concept, and was 'on board' at first- I am all about expanding your growth as an artist and taking the time to appreciate the beauty around you.  I just feel like I have so much going on in August that I'm going to want to talk about... it might not be super exciting, but it's worth having the memories to look back on.  Plus, you KNOW I'll still have the camera with me.  Who would I be if I didn't? Right. Not me.

So today marked my first day back at work after a whopping 10 weeks off for maternity leave. (I was pretty lucky).  I was having such a blast at home, and was finally getting into a rhythm with Sofia, we really were starting to understand each other and groove through our days: we'd wake up at the same time, get hungry at the same time... I don't know... it's a pretty cool feeling to be 'in sync' with your daughter.  And not all teenage-girl-party-'nsync style.  (Although, I'll love her through that phase too...)  But work wasn't so bad.  I was near panic-attack on the car ride over, and after reflecting on the day, I found it to be synonymous with the experience of a first school day, you know, all nervous and stuff like thinking you're going to forget the way to get to homeroom even though you know you've walked past that classroom a million times, saying hi to old friends, kinda missing your mom... you know, the whole thing.

I feel good.  I'm still hoping to make something more with my life, to get some other experience career wise where I can have a chance to provide something great for my family.  It's kinda like Katherine with her big girl paycheck.  As hard as I work and as much as I absolutely love what I do, part of me doubts how I can ever be satisfied heading home from a retail mall while wondering if I am honestly giving EVERY thing I am capable of, trying to create a living for this little girl?  What if it's more?  Why haven't I put my people skills to better use, my creative skills to better use?  How can I grow, and how can I improve-- where is my next step forward?  I need to be challenged, and I want to succeed.

I hope that there is a career path within this company so close to my heart that could land me in corporate some day, but it's a long process.  Now that I have more bodies to provide for beside myself, the pressure is higher and the bills are now x3 needing to be paid.  I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself through writing this, that's the farthest thing from what I wanted this post to be.  The fact of the matter is no matter what I'm doing or where I'm working, I will work damn hard to make sure my daughter has all of the experiences, education, travels, messes, and laughter she can get.  I'm not concerned with having money for the material luxuries, and Sofia may not have all the newest, hottest toys on the market, but the experiences?  I'll do everything in my power to give her those.  I want to take her everywhere.  Show her everything.  You can't put a price on memories.

I'm going to be grinding hard every day to improve, to develop my craft, and to constantly be looking for challenging opportunities.  Right now I may not to be able to spend every minute with my daughter, but someday, she will have a model to look up to.  One that teaches her to work hard, to never give up, and to be persistent and proactive in accomplishing her goals.  And of course, that love has a blinding power over everything: the love and respect for yourself, and the one for your family that burns brighter, deeper, and always radiates inside of you.

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6 comments

  1. Yay! I'm glad you're writing again :) Although your photography is GREAT, I prefer your words with the images!! Maybe next August ;)

    And I love what you wrote about working hard to give Sofia opportunities. Looking back on my childhood, I didn't always have the latest greatest toys or that pair of Adidas that I wanted so badly (for about a month...) but I was always able to travel, participate in workshops and camps, etc. The experiences, not the material items, were what made me who I am today. I didn't realize it until now, but that's exactly how I want to raise my children too. Your baby girl has such a great future! :)

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  2. Someone stopped biting their nails :-)

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